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Everyone thinks I am something I am not..

Over the years I have presented to 100's of people about how to build a successful business, I have chattered on FB family of 70k+ inspirational titbits, blogged about it and of course told little stories on instagram.

The one thing I get back in comments time and time again are 'you are so brave', 'your are amazing', 'I don't know how you do it all'.

The thing is I am not all those things.. not quite that way anyhow..

Brave is just ballsy, I don't fear failure but that doesn't make me brave. It may even make me stupid but that is the real me.

Amazing is just people feeling inspired by my actions and possibly a little jealous they haven't done it themselves but there is nothing amazing about it.. amazing is athletes and inventors the people that have to work exponentially hard to be what they are..

Doing it all? I don't do it all!!.. I fuck up like everyone else. Social media means we just show our best times and it makes us look like we are all brilliant.

Of late I have been making sure to share the less perfect moments. I always shared the hardships of business and even how that stress ended up with me on medication, but recently I have scared a few people close to me with my honesty!. Can't win huh?!

This year has been possibly the biggest roller coaster of my working life so far..

For me to keep my mental health balanced I need to keep my exercise up and between a husband training and racing for MDS this year as well as travelling around the world for work almost every month that fell by the wayside BIG TIME.

For me to feel good I need work to be in control and to feel like I am contributing to my family. This year with the move to the U.S.A I had to shift, move and mould it all around packing the house and kids whilst pretty much solo parenting.. that doesn't help the work schedule I can tell you that!!

DTLL has always been my contribution to my family and to my own self esteem.

In the last 6 weeks that all just fell apart. The person that took over as Director didn't do even half the job they said they could and would (apparently it was sheer hell filling my shoes). The thing that sucks big hairy dogs balls is that they not only didn't utilise all the guides I had written to make life easy but they dropped the ball on Customer Service with our stores, never bothered to 'socialise' on Social Media and to top it all off they took a wage and then some 'loans' from the bank account all the while not paying the bills!.

I had been guaranteeing the whole situation with my personal credit card and when I said I wouldn't do it any longer they just walked away.. stopped answering emails and left everything up in the air. DTLL was due to turn into a blackhole in 24 hours during the busiest month of the year for our stores!

How can someone just do that? Not care about anyone but themselves? Lack of moral compass or what? Fast forward 2 weeks and I have been running DTLL full time from the U.S.A. My ever loyal husband allowed me to fund another months hosting from our personal account and I am busting my balls to pay the bills still owing.

So even in business I am NOT perfect.. I chose to leave my baby with a total freeloading looser.. who does that? Talk about the biggest every mother guilt.

You know what makes everything better? Whatever comes of the future and whatever mistakes have been made it the past, the love I got from the people I have helped when I emailed them all to let them know what was happening. I cut and pasted the words onto a note on my laptop that syncs to my phone and whenever I feel shit about myself I will go back and read them.

Life goes on, I have a healthy family, the love of a good man, I live in a fabulous place and I am back exercising the way I need..

I am NOT perfect.
I still live with mild depression issues that stems from my need to feel of value.
I do make mistakes.

BUT I know I am a good person, who has strong ethics and when I feel my time has not been of value I can just read those words and give myself a kick in the butt.

Do you ever think to write down the nice things people say?
Do you keep notes from your kids when they say I love you? 
Do you know it is ok not to be perfect?

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Leave me a love note why don't you.. it makes me feel oh so spesh ...