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Stealing time.. from what?



How bloody complicated can life be? The grass is ALWAYS greener.. yada, yada, yada

I am sitting here at 4am U.S time as I can't sleep.

Can't sleep? I can always sleep, ok not on a plane or when I really, really want too because I am knackered and have deadlines but 4am? I haven't been up at this time since my Ironman days when the alarm went off at this time and that was 10 years ago.

It is not jet lag, I wish it was jet lag but I know what it is.

My mind needs some quite time, as in awake quiet time, and so much so that it is willing to pause sleep to get it.

So here I am in San Francisco.

I don't own DTLL anymore and have handed the reigns over to remain a partner and part share holder from here on in. This means I no longer work 16 hours a day 5 days a week or a good 8 hours a day on the weekends. This should be bliss huh?

It is. THAT part.

But who am I now? A Mum..

I was a Mum before but I could hide any insecurities I had about not doing it perfectly behind being a working one.

Now I have been with them 24 fucking 7 for the past 16 days, no joke 24/7, as in same bed in same room sleeping too. So tonight is my first night in my apartment in my own room and I am up at 4am stealing time.

WTF?!

Time alone to think because motherhood is proving to be FULL on!

I haven't been alone for 16 days but I know if I go off for a day alone (not that I can) I will think about them all day.

I am over telling them for the gazillionth time a day to just try and bring some happy into their life and less moody yet I still want to shape them into decent humans so won't give up.

I spent all of yesterday trying to make a unit that doesn't even have a sofa yet look picture perfect for them all when they are content sleeping in a tent..

I crave space from them so much I am up at 4am yet I never want to leave them?

Why is it all so confusing?
Motherhood is amazing so why do I seem to always be wanting to change it?
Is that just life?